Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe Marjorie Wolfe
Welcome
by Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
LETTERS TO DAD

Letter writing is a wonderful way of communicating.  If you get a handwritten letter from a child or grandchild, put it in the bank vault.

Actor/filmmaker, Ben Stiller, said of his father, Jerry Stiller, who recently passed away, “He was kind of an irreplaceable person.  It’s been really heartwarming to see how much he touched people, how beloved he was.”

Shown below are some letters a L. I. dad might receive this Father’s Day.  How would YOU answer them?

Dear Dad,
    Grandma has been “floridated”—sent to Miami.  I wish
    she could have continued being a “Snowbird”
    because I miss her so much.  What should I do?

2.  Dear Dad,
    I am grossly overweight and ridiculed every day at
    school.  When I walk down the halls, boys call me
    “Wide Load.”  Other kids make pig grunts or moos.
    I’d like to attend a SlimDown summer program, but
    due to COVID-19, all the camps are closed.  Any
    suggestions?

3.  Dad,
    Don’t laugh, but I’ve been having a “Bad Hair Day.”
    One of my sorority sisters uses “Jumper cables” to
    style her hair.  A Univ. of Florida professor claims that
    just admitting to a “Bad Hair Day” and laughing it off
    is an excellent way to cope with the troublesome
    tresses.  What do you think?

4.  Dear Dad,
    I have a confession.  I’ve been getting “Guiltgelt”—a
    Joseph Nash term for the money grandparents slip
    under the table after parents refuse a tear-jerking
    request.  How shall I handle this problem in the future?

5.  Dear Dad,
    Grandma says that you and mom are “Gourmet
    Parents”—people who would have me studying
    Russian or Japanese.  They claim that I’d rather be
    at the National Gallery of Art than Disneyland.  And
    they say that your idea of a nutritional lunch is lentil
  soup rather than a Whopper and fries.  BTW, what’s
    a “helicopter parent”?


6.  For my last birthday you sent me the following
    Hallmark Peanuts card:  “Whenever you need
    someone to count on, someone to talk to, some-
    one to share hopes and dreams, I’ll be there for
    you.  If I’m not there, leave a message.  Were you
    serious?

7.  Dear Dad,
    I know that you and mom are thinking of divorcing.
    If you do, will you be a “Disneyland Daddy”—a
    divorced father who occasionally visits the kids
    and shows them a good time?  That expression
    really bothers me.  Help!

8.  Dad,
    What’s an “au pair”?  It’s arriving this Friday.

9.  Dear Dad,
    My teacher said that my reading skills will improve if I
    rhyme.  I understand the rhyme “Trump bump,” but I
    don’t understand these examples:

      Out [with] Gout
      Silk Bloomers [for] Baby Boomers
      Huey, Dewey, Louis
      Newt [is] Cute

10.  Dad, You know that I’ve been wearing reading glasses
      since I’m 8 years old.  My classmates remind me that
      “Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.”
      Is there any truth to this statement?

11.  Dear Dad,
    My 4th grade school desk is always a mess.  I save
    Ansel Adams photos, baseball cards, earth-friendly
    gift-wrapping paper and a map of the U.S. Should I
    tell my teacher that a well-known psychologist said,
    “If a desk is too clean, too antiseptic, too empty, it
    could mean that he has nothing to do”?

12.  Dad,
    My 9th grade English teacher has a reputation for
    using lots of “Gobbledygook”—wordy, vague, unclear
    language.  She says “wood interdental stimulator” for
    toothpick, “social-expression product” for greeting
    card, “involuntary conversion of a 727” for plane
    crash, and “experienced car” for used car.  Is she
    permitted to do that?

13.  Dear Dad,
    I would like to get a tattoo of Rodney Dangerfield
    (“I can’t get no respect”) on my left shoulder.  I know
    that body piercing used to be something you only saw
    in National Geographic or on motorcycle gang
    members.  You’ve always said, “Think before you ink.”
    Do I have your permission?

14.  Dear Dad,
    I know that you read in the papers today that more
    than 1 in 4 high school students reported vaping in
    2019.  I promise that I will not use any Juul or other
    e-cigarettes.  Now will you PLEASE stop smoking
    cigars!

15.  Dear Dad,
    I love listening to rock music and when I’m older I plan
    to attend a concert at the Coliseum.  I know that you
    like the neo-klezmer bands such as “Nosh, Lox &
    Vodka” and the “Hot Latkes Klezmer Band.”  Have
    you really joined HEAR (Hearing Education for
    Rockers), an organization which alerts performers,
    technicians and concert-staffers to the perils of
    pouding music?

16.  Dad,
    Whenever I do poorly on a spelling test, the kids refer
    to me as a “McFly.”  I know this term is from “Back to
    the Future” and refers to a person with no intelligence.
    So, I’m not a GRATE speller!

17.  Dad,
    I know that you and mom always follow the advice of
    the late Fred Rogers.  This year you’ve prepared my
    kid brother—age 5—for his first day of school by
    introducing him to the school crossing guard.  You’ve
    also put a family photograph in his lunch box to
    remind him that you’ll all be together at the end of the
    school day.  Is all this preparation really necessary?
    He’s been going to nursery school since he’s 3 years
    old?

18.  Dear Dad,
    Mom keeps talking about “caregiver roulette.”  Does
    this have anything to do with the fact that, since Mom
    returned to work, I keep having different babysitters?

19.  Dear Dad,
    I’m learning Common Core math, a method that you
    and mom don’t understand.  Yesterday’s homework
    asked this question:  John collected 32 candy bars
    on Halloween.  He ate 28.  What does he now have?
    Can I answer the question with “Diabetes?”

20.  Dear Dad,
    You know that I’m taking a personal finance course
    in high school.  Why is it that in Monopoly, when you
    go bankrupt, you lose the game?  But in real life,
    though, you don’t get to flip the board and start over?

21.  Dear Dad
    I love to draw.  Before we purchased a new stainless
    steel GL refrigerator, Mom set up a Crayolia—an area
      where childrens’ drawings are displayed.  Now
      there’s no place to hang my artwork, to-do lists,
      post reminders and report cards. Any thoughts?

22.  Dad,
    A local school system is urging parents to buy their
    kids the $12 ballistic armored bags which students
    wear over their chests during safety drills.  Is this
    really necessary?

23.  Dad,
    Is there really an illness called “Oreoporisis”—a
    disorder caused by eating too many cookies and
    not enough milk?

24.  Dear Dad,
    You and Mom should learn the difference between
    “ransomware” and “Tupperware.”

25.  Dad,
    I know that when you were a kid your music teacher
    explained the acronym for music notes:
    E G B D F means “Every Good Boy Does Fine.”
    Today it has two new meanings:
    “Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge”  and
    “Every Good Burger Deserves Fries.”

26.  Dear Dad,
    Recently you told me that in 1315 a doctor wrote
    HIS sons cautioning them with this advice:  “Don’t
    sleep in winter with cold feet; but first warm them
    at the fire or by walking about or some other method.
    And in summer, don’t sleep with be slippers on your
    feet because they generate vapors which are very
      bad for the brain and memory.”

      Yesterday you told me “Don’t go out without your
      rubbers.”  Does that mean what I think it means?
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Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is the mother of three sons and grandmother of seven.  She is the author of two books: “Yiddish for Dog & Cat Lovers” and “Are Yentas, Kibitzers & Tummlers Weapons of Mass Instruction?  Yiddish   Trivia.”

Marjorie Wolfe
  Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe