*Yiddish expression meaning, “From your mouth to God’s ears”

Lily Tomlin said, “When we talk to God, we’re praying.  When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.”

In the January 1990 issue of Harper’s Magazine we see an article titled, [checklist] “Prayers A La Carte.”  The Reverend Ike, senior minister of the United Church in New York City, offers a list of personal “needs” and urges recipients to check off their own and send a donation.

What were the requests?  A partial list is shown below; the Yiddish words/comments were added by the writer:

• Better appetite (“beser apetit”)
• Crying spells (“veynen” means to weep)
• Problem sleeping (“shlofn”) Sleep is something that science cannot abolish—but a newborn “beybi” can!
• Back problem (“rukn” or “rikn” problem). “di krizhes” is the anatomical term for the lower pack.
• Foot trouble (“fus tsore”)  Remember the “fusgeyers"__the thousands of Jews who fled persecution in Romania in the early 1900s by marching through, and out, of their country.
• Skin trouble (“hoyt” means skin; “prishtshik” is a pimple)
• Female trouble
• Gall bladder (“galkrankahyt”)
• Prostate (See der dokter “teykef”—immediately. )  Until you get an appointment, enjoy Jeffrey & Lila Dubinsky’s poem from “Mother Gooseberg’s Book of Jewish Nursery Rhymes”:     Ding-Dong Kvell     Ding-dong kvell,     Zeyde’s doing well.     Prostate was big,     Swollen like a fig.     Who made it small?     Tahkeh!  Dr. Ball!
• Underweight (“dar” means thin, not fat) Childhood is that wonderful period when all you need to do to lose weight is to take a bath.
• Nervous (“nervez” or “nervous khalere”—a nervous wreck)
• Mental oppression (“Arop fun zinen”—out of one’s mind)
• Indigestion (“nit-fardayung”)
• Colon (“fat kishka,”  according to Michael Wex)
• Eczema  (“zits”)
• Fainting spells (“khaleshn” means to faint) and “chaloshes” means faintness).     “Es shvindelt far di oxygen” means “I’m feeling faint and dizzy.”
• Past-due bills (“khoyv” or “bal-khoyv” means debt)
• Need a job (“shtele” means a job)    The bad news:  6.1% of the U. S. population is now (Sept. 2008) out of work.
• Better job (to get “loyn” means to get decent wages)
• New home (“nay heym”)    Remember, a house is made of walls and beams; a home is built with love and dreams.
• Car (What make?) “oyto”; Kedillak, of course!

Would you believe that the concern for a hernia (“kileh”) was omitted from the list? Some people say that a “kileh” is the most-beloved Yiddish word.  In older slang, the hernia was known as “zeks-in-zekhtsik.”  And a hernia was often treated with a “brokh-gart” (or “brokh-gartl”—a rupture-belt or truss).

iBlessing is a product developed by The Jewish Learning Group and now available on iTunes.  If you forgot the prayer, all that is necessary is for you to check your iPod.  Click on any one of the food groups displayed on the screen (no traif, of course), and the appropriate blessings appear.

The prayers are played aloud in Hebrew and English.  If you need assistance with the prayer to be recited upon waking, or the Shema, the holy high-tech iPod will assist you.  There are additional “bonus blessings” as well for events like hand-washing and the after meal grace.  (Can we expect to learn the blessing for a B-A-R-K Mitzvah in the near future? “Nokh Nit!” (Not yet.)

There’s also the ParveOMeter, which is “perfekt” for those people inclined to lose track of time.  The meter counts down the minutes between meat meals and dairy meals.  The timer is automatically set to go off six hours after the eat button is pressed. It can be customized, based on levels of observance, to zero, 30, or 60 minutes following a dairy meal.  When the time is up you are rewarded with a large round of applause.

Gizmodo.com says that iBlessing and Parve OMeter iPhone Apps make you a kosher keeping mensch.  Their website says, “So wipe that schmutz off your punim, get off your tuchas, and let me show you how they work.”  Check it out!