Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe Marjorie Wolfe
Welcome
by Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
35 THINGS YOU’LL PROBABLY NEVER HEAR A JEWISH WOMAN SAY

1. I saw Mel Gibson’s new movie.

2. I paid full price for my Samsung PN5ID450 plasma TV.

3. Fendi? Louis Vuitton? Coach?
Salvadore Ferragamo? Kate Spade? No!
A $20 knock-off purchased at a kiosk outside the Foggy Bottom metro shop.

4. My “finger-shikh” (flip-flops)?
I bought them at cheapshoes.com.

5. I haven’t read the “bukh” (book), “Sarah’s Key.”

6. I’m Orthodox about some things…and Reform about others.

7. I’m having a “B-A-R-K Mitzvah” for my 13-year-old “hunt.” Say “muzzle tov!”

8. I didn’t know that Yiddish is “a combination of German and phlegm.”
(Thank you, Billy Crystal. (“700 Sundays”)

9. It doesn’t matter what “universitet”/
“kledzh” (college) you attend. They’re all the same.

10. I’m so “freylekh” (happy) with my new “hor” (hair) style. I don’t think I’ll ever change it again!

11. That girl is wearing the same Pashmina “shal” (shawl) as I am. Cool.
I’m gonna go over and talk to her.

12. I love it when you ride your Harley “motosikel” (motorcycle). I just wish you had more time to ride.

13. I’ll be out painting “dos hoyz” (the house).

14. You need your “shlof” (sleep), honey.
Now stop getting up for the night feedings.

15. My “muter” (mother) is going to take care of the tab; look at “der menyu”
and order a rich “farbaysn” (dessert) for you and your friends.

16. While you were in the “vashtsimer” (bathroom), they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal, they’ll still cover the spread.

17. Let’s just leave “der klozet” (the toilet) seat “up” at all times, then you don’t have to mess with it anymore.

18. I liked that “khasene” (wedding) even more than “undzerer” (ours).

19. I’m not having a “senior moment” or “brain freeze.” I DID see Molly Picon in “Yidl with the Fiddle.”

20. It’s only the third “fertl” (quarter). You should order a couple more pitchers of “bir” (beer).

21. Ring-A-Leeveo, Johnny-on-A-Pony?
Streets lined with little pushcarts?
FREE dishes at the Sutter Avenue movie? Windows with a huge orange crate attached to the window sill where perishables were kept in “der vinter.” That was way before my time!

22. Your mother is way “besser” (better) than mine.

23. Let’s get rid of my “khaveyrim” (friends) and keep all of yours.

24. Listen, I make enough money for the “beyde” (both) of us. Why don’t you “tsuritsien zich” (retire)?

25. Do me a favor. Forget the stupid Valentine’s Day thing and buy yourself a new “garderob” (wardrobe). I don’t need any more Shalimar!

26. I don’t care that Mia Farrow and Woody Allen’s “zun” (son), Roman, was named a Rhodes “gelernter” (scholar)...
and you only got accepted at a community college.

27. It’s my birthday. Sure you can buy me a new “shtoybzoyger” (vacuum cleaner).

28. My “untervesh” (underwear) comes Sears…not Victoria’s Secret.
. 29. I once washed the kitchen floor and put down The Forward.

30. My husband and I met on the Internet; we named our son, Yaacov Yahoo.

31. My son is taking a course titled, “What Does Play-Doe have to do with Plato?”... and that’s costing me $360 a credit!

32. I’ve been to “yizroel” (Israel) once; that’s enough.

33. F.A.O. Schwarz? Oh, I thought it was F.A.O. Schwartz!

34. I’m taking Lipitor (LIP-ih-tore) to lower my cholesterol even though:
a) I’m feeling more “farmatert” (tired) than usual;
b) my skin and the whites of my “oygn” (eyes) have turned “gel” (yellow) and my “tsung” (tongue).........

35. I played Mozart CDs while I was “shvanger” (pregnant)...and today my kids love Hasidic reggae superstar, Matisyahu.

Marjorie Wolfe
  Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe